Mildly Painful, Painful and Very Painful -- Texas Cactus

Hi!  Mrs. Grady here again, guest blogging. I hail from Texas -- born and bred in Odessa and raised in Huntsville. Studied at North Texas State and Sam Houston State universities, which explains this post, perhaps.

Texas has cactus. There are many stories and more than a little folklore about cactus: break one open and eat it if you’re wandering in a desert without water, for example. Wait, don’t do that unless you are a botanist. Another is that cactus juice can help arthritis pain. Botany books devote lush photos and Latin terms regarding cacti and their blooming habits.  Hollywood glorifies the blossoms.

Cultivated Cactus Flowers

Personally, I think you’d have to be crazy to cultivate cactus. However, the Cactus Viper margarita at Zuni’s Grill on the Riverwalk in San Antonio (my favorite restaurant in the world) may be the best reason to keep succulents on the menu. Well-behaved dogs on leashes are allowed at Zuni’s, but leave your horse at home.

Some crazy person cultivated this cactus at the Zilker Botanical Garden in Austin, Texas. As if Texas doesn’t have enough cacti already. Head on over 31Aug-1 Sep for the Cactus and Succulent show. 

Saturday, Aug 31, 10am to 5pmThe Austin Cactus and Succulent Society's Fall 2013 Show and Sale 
The 2-day event is free and open to the public with paid admission to ZBG. It is very popular with gardeners of all ages. The show offers visitors a chance to see rare and beautiful cacti and succulent species from around the world. Vendors from Texas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico will sell native and exotic cacti and succulents, and hand-made pottery at reasonable prices. There will be a daily silent auction and hourly plant raffle of rare and collectible cacti and succulents. Educational information, literature, and expert advice will be available. Come and bring a friend. For more information about the Austin Cactus & Succulent Society and its programs, please visit www.AustinCSS.com.

Zilker's Koi Pond

Buy exotic and native cacti during the silent auction as well as learn about cactus care. It’s is quite a highfalutin’ event! But there is no valet parking for your horse. Why doesn’t their website have tons of photos of their cactus auction? Hmm? I tell you what, this here photo of Zilker's Japanese koi pond sure don’t make me want to buy cactus. Now I’m in the mood for sushi.

The Golf Channel: Spouse's Guide To Sanity (Special Guest Post)

The Golf Channel

Spouses guide to sanity

Surviving a season of pro golf coverage requires some self-education.  Start with this knowledge base:

1. Play the ball where it lies
2. Golf is played outdoors
3. Pro golfers are not super models
4. Mike or Retief – golf vs wine
5. Golf is polite
6. Pro golfers are easy to spot in their underwear

Play the ball where it lies. This is where golf gets both practical and philosophical. There is a rule book (see USGA Rules of Golf), because no one remembers the technical definition of “casual water.” Golfers do not walk around with the official rule book in their pocket. Golf Channel viewers have never seen a copy of the rule book. Most of the rules are just dumb anyway. So only remember this, “Rule 13: Ball Played as it Lies,” even if it bounces off spectators and lands inside a beer pitcher in the concessions tent. You are always allowed to play the ball where it lies.

Rulebook Artwork
at Amazon.com

If play stops in the golf tournament and you see the course official walking around staring at the ball, while players gesticulate at various objects on the ground, this is a consultation regarding the Rules of Golf. To the non-golfing spouse watching this on The Golf Channel, it is watching grass grow, literally.  Consultations continue through commercial breaks. Ads on the golf channel are never scintillating, nothing will blow up in flames, and the musical scores are forgettable. This is your chance to raid the fridge and open some wine.

When you return, the game has resumed. If you’re lucky, one of the golfers had spoken into an open mike with, “That effing turtle ate my ball!” This sound byte will be replayed on The Golf Channel for eternity. That player will be nicknamed “The Turtle,” His career will plummet, he’s headed for a job as a commentator (see Charlie Reimer), not hall-of-famer. His dreams of opening a winery are dashed as all his backers withdraw their support – no one wants to drink “Effing Turtle” wine.

We display the artwork for the illustrated copy of the rule book.  Anyone can buy a copy from Amazon.com. But no one does.  Tiger Woods won't even fork out bucks for a book (see the 15th hole at The Masters).